I'm not a changer.

Lots of thoughts in my head, and now that Everyone is back in school as of tuesday, I guess blogging is in order again.
So Ive been thinking, i'm really disappointed in myself in some ways. I'm not a changer and I think i'm a bad leader. I just don't think I have it in me. I have "changer" ideas, lots of big great ideas...but I just dont have the sort of presence or influence to move people to want to change. I'm more of a doer. I have ideas, and I do/act on them, but for some reason, I'm just not one of those people.

I think that up til you graduate college too, you take for granted the countless opportunities you have to be a changer. You have so much time to give, and so many organizations showing you exactly how you can help, and if you want, lead others in helping. Then all of that stops. You become so consumed by your own life and it's different when you have to seek out places that want your help, rather than have them waiting there for you. And for me at least, I feel like ive failed so much in raising consciousness that I dont even know that I want to keep trying. Maybe that's another reason people embrace parenthoood - you know that every move you make is having a profound effect on someone.

The most disappointing part for me is that i had So many chances to do something. I got to be co-president of a club that could have done something. But i suck at mobilizing people i guess. And maybe cuz i feel like i once could have made an difference. In high school I think that i did, if even in a small way. It's kind of a let down.

I cant imagine how it'd feel to be like president and have all these agendas, and people expecting you to do something, but then realize that it's harder to change things that you thought. I might just be going through a phase. Whatever, either way I guess i should just be happy being a do-er. I want to just set my sights a little lower, and then be happy with success, but that feels like quitting to me. It's not a challenge that way. I cant tell which is better - to fail at a challenge, or succeed with something a little easier. Theoretically, I think the higher ground is to fail at a challenge, but when youre talking about working for social benefit, wouldn't it be better to succeed at something smaller, because at least that way youre at least contributing a little to a cause?
what do you think?
Hmph. anyway agenda for today: same old :) cooking, solicit people for kidneys, make a kidney website, work on business stuff. at least i'm making baby steps towards improving things at home.