This post is really long (TWSS)

When I was younger, and a friend told me about a crush she had, the first thing I’d do is figure out what her new married name would be. Now, I try to devise her best possible wedding website URL.

I don’t think I’ll ever understand why so many people hate Subway so much. It’s a perfectly fine lunch! The oregano on my sandwich did taste a little bit like soap today, but it was one of those gas station-adjacent Subways, so I’ll let it slide.

I think I finally figured out how to describe my favorite music genre. It’s basically the music in auto commercials and movie trailers. Phoenix in that Cadillac ad, I swear I heard Owl City in something, that Snow Patrol song in the Dear John trailer. Yesterday, I even caught Beirut’s No Dice (one of my all-time faves) in a GMC commercial. If only this were a real genre…

Nowadays, the only job postings I’ll come across are for managers of social media marketing…and they always want like 5-10 years of experience. I don’t think this position existed 5 years ago…unless you want to count posting Friendster wall testimonials?

Haha, remember testimonials?

I dislike the gym at the start of the year. Is it February yet? I’d like to fast forward to the days of no time limit on the treadmill.

I watched a lot of Food Network informercials over the holidays. This brownie cutter really caught my eye and cut my soul the most. I mean, really?! https://www.perfectbrownie.tv/flare/next?tag=os|sm|go

I hate it when people ask me to get married/have a wedding so they can eat Indian food. We could just go to a restaurant.

It’s amazing how keeping in touch with friends no longer depends on WHERE you live, but rather in which social networks and online communities you reside. For example, my gchat buddies are my virtual besties, then facebook….haha maybe it’s just me.

Remember when I got trapped in my fire escape? AKA Chicago Avenue Death Trap.

In the last 12 hours, I've heard Chumbawamba’s Tubthumping twice on the same radio station. I don’t get it… are the people of Holland, MI really calling in and requesting this song?!

On the same station, I heard a gentleman call in and ask, “what’s that song where in the background they sing ‘can’t help it, the girl can’t help it’?” The DJ was like…you mean, Clumsy, by Fergie? And he was like, yeah, now who’s that? Fergie? I love that composition!
a) Hey dude, welcome to 2006
2) Congrats, Fergie. Someone just referred to one of your songs as a composition.

I'd rather be eating mac'n'cheese.

I miss the days when it mattered if there was perfect packing snow outside.

Whenever I have security challenge questions online, I fail to answer the subjective ones correctly. I NEVER ever answer “On what street was your favorite residence” or “First name of your childhood best friend” correctly. How about some fact-based questions?

I hate it when you’re on a work-related phone call, and the person has made their point, and you have acknowledged and agreed and are ready to hang up, and the person starts to REITERATE his point. I’m all, “DUH. How bout you let me finish eating my graham cracker now?”

One of these days, I’ll have to get a photograph of me uncovering my car from snow, after it’s been parked outside all night. It’s pretty hilarious.

I’m literally petrified of group fitness classes. I lack the coordination to render them effective.

Your friends who work in satellite offices don't get holiday parties or special holiday lunches. Appreciate yours, no matter how many married drunk coworkers make passes at you.

Fri-diculous

I usually pick out and only eat the chocolate candy from trail mix. I think I’m doing it wrong.

I have a friend (not my brother) who works at Pabst, and is too lazy to bring beer to a BYO place. That’s like me being too lazy to take ugly promo t-shirts to a BYO Ugly T-shirt Party.

Do you think the cast of the original 90210 watches the new 90210? Or are they like, “the entire concept of this show sucks.”

I think if I wrote a book, it would be called Drunk From Last Night.

Some of my friends have been victims of a hacked Facebook account – I can only guess because they clicked some link in an overly-excited message they received from another friend? These friends disappoint me.
I’m usually pretty good at picking out one of these spam messages (poor grammar, excessive exclamation marks) but I think I’m a little overly sensitive. Recently, I forwarded a message back to a sender, asking her if it was spam. She seemed offended.

There is often some sort of protest happening outside my office building. All it really motivates me to do is to turn my music up.

I hate the HIMYM opening credits trickery. It’s totally not DVR friendly.

There needs to be a set rule for how long you should sit at a table before getting up to go to a buffet. Is it right after you order drinks? Do you wait a few seconds after ordering drinks? You feel like a fatass if you don’t wait, but honestly, what’s the point of waiting? It’s awkward and needs a solution.

You've missed me. Well, I'm back. Oh, you haven't missed me? I'm here anyway.

Elevators disorient me like nothing else. Every time I step off the elevator of the building in which I've worked for a year and a half, I have no idea where I am, or which way to turn. This is especially embarrassing when I turn the wrong way on my floor, and need to make a pedestrian u-turn to my office, all while pretending that I wanted to walk in circles in the first place. @mc814 don't you dare try to catch me doing this. stalker.

I hate how my iPhone auto-corrects "lol" to say "LOL." Because more often than not, i mean "lol."

I think that heretofore, instead of saying "are you going?" I will say "yo, you tryin-da roll?"

Being measured for sari blouses by middle aged male tailors is super awkward. Even more awkward when they are simultaneously chewing gutka. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gutka

My thoughts on the u2 backlash that's been growing over the last few albums: eff off.

I've been looking into meditation camps to attend. Pretty much all beginners' camps are a minimum of 10 days long. I find this to be pretty ridiculous, when you recognize that the beginners seeking these camps are probably too stressed out to find 10 consecutive days off.

Last week, I went to the Las Vegas Urgent Care Facility for a cut on my foot. I kinda wish i had gone at 4 am, instead of 8 am, just to see what kinds of drunken injuries would stumble their way in. And now that I think about it, it's pretty remarkable that during my dozen or two trips to Vegas, not one person I know has ever been drunkenly injured. This was the closest I've ever come, and mine was NyQuil induced. Of course, all this could change on Tuesday...we'll see.

Memo to people who live in the city: I'm sorry you're surrounded by no parking, and people with poor personal hygiene and weird medical issues. Not so much gout at the grocery stores in the suburbs.

I recently returned from a week away from home, and was greeted with 1 wedding, 1 baby shower, and 2 bridal shower invites. Never has my mail ever been so colorful and hand-written. Rest assured, however, that I'll be delaying my RSVPs for these just as much as I delay paying bills. It's only fair to the bills.

On my cab ride home from the airport Sunday night at about 1 am, my cabbie got a flat tire. My first thought was that these things only happen to me. But then I realized that poor cab driver had to change the tire, unprotected from the unseasonably frigid weather. And THEN I realized how he and I must be kindred. Bad luck soul mates. I tipped him extra.

While previewing this note, it recommended facebook friends of mine who might be tagged in this note. Not one of the 4 suggestions is actually a friend I'd even thought would be reading this. It may be time to clean out my friend list...Don't worry, it's not you.

Whoa, I am all over the place. MILK, dinner, Mumbai, babies.

I saw MILK recently, and enjoyed it. I mean, it's an excellent film. Go see it. And while I think Sean Penn, James Franco, and everyone else were great, I couldn't help but wonder why there weren't gay actors cast for these roles. I mean, I find it INCREDIBLY hard to believe that there aren't equally talented gay actors all over Hollywood who could have done just as good of a job. Are they just not out, or not comfortable being open about their sexuality? If so, that's terribly unfortunate, and makes me a bit more disappointed in "society." I feel so lame blaming "society," like it's this “thing” that we have to blame, but whatever, it's the only word I could come up with.

I'd like to semi-preface this by saying that I'm not trying to diminish the significance of this film, or how important it is that it could be made, accepted, critically and socially acclaimed. I think it's progress, and I think it's wonderful. But let's say Sean Penn wasn't the lead. Let's say it was… Awesome Gay Actor. Would this film have been so well received? I'm not so sure. Are American audiences still only comfortable watching same-sex love scenes if, in the backs of their minds, they know that the people on the screen are just acting? I don't know…but I kinda wouldn't be surprised. And has this been tested? Are there any big-fancy Hollywood movies which feature homosexual actors in sex scenes together?

I guess it's kind of similar to evaluating a piece of visual art. Do you evaluate the composition as a whole - interpreting the artist's message, and appreciating the technical elements; or is the work only relevant if you are aware of the artist’s struggles while creating it? Is a piece of art only worthy if you know its backstory? Would MILK have been as critically acclaimed if the leads were gay? And, a step further than the visual art example, would it have been as socially accepted if the leads were gay?

What do you think, cuz I don't know.

I think that carrying 2 dogs on an airplane should automatically disqualify you from the "expert traveler" security line.

When babies say "Lincoln Park," it sounds like "Jinken Park" and it's adorable.

I've noticed lately that pretty much every new and/or trendy restaurant has a one-word name. Like Feast or Crocodile or Province or Orange; OR an article, followed by some ritzy sounding name, like The Publican or The Bristol. First, I clearly spend too much time in restaurants. B) if I ever open a restaurant of my own, it's going to have some obnoxiously long name, like This Is The Least Douchey Restaurant Ever In The History Of The World Ever. Although I don't know that it would make any business sense to include the word "douchey" in the title. And 3) Sarah Palin would be excellent at naming restaurants. Awh, I kind of miss her…

I generally dislike group dinners with friends with over 8 people in attendance. For 2 main reasons....a) there's no good place to sit. Either you're in the middle, not-really-participating in 4 different conversations, or stuck talking to Boringface McGoo. 2) There is always
sooommeone who insists on itemizing the bill because they ordered something small to save money. Here's the thing: when you go to a big group dinner, shit is gonna get expensive. So be prepared to drop some money, or don't go. Or like, if you see evvvveeerryyone ordering a
full entree, you might as well so you don't feel all bad about it when the check comes. It's poor form to stiff you friends, so don't do that. If you're the one person who wants to pay for what you ate, be prepared to calculate everyone's total, brainiac. The same goes for the opposite...though less frequent, if Everyone wants to pay for what they ate, don't argue with that and insist on splitting evenly. Nothing ruins a good meal like excessive fussing over the bill at the
end. ALSO...if you invite someone out to a meal of any kind, don't surprise them with other guests. Has that ever happened to you? You THINK you're having dinner with a friend, but then she decides to bring her friend, one you've met and decidedly don't enjoy...it's a total bummer.

I'm so over butternut squash soup in the winter. There has to be another hearty winter vegetable (or mix) which can be used for a "soup of the day."

What's the policy on keeping your friends' ex-signif others as Facebook friends? Is it okay to remove them? I'm going to start, I think. Don't worry, it's not you.

I'm reading this book Shantaram, which starts out in Bombay in the 1970s The more I think about it, I cannot belive my parents grew up there, and moreover, that they were satisfied with their subsequent 30 years in the suburbs of Chicago. I mean....crime, drogas, all sorts of crazy shit went down. No wonder my brother and I never really had curfews, and my parents weren't ever worried about us being out, or home alone when we were younger. I mean, what kind of nancies would they have had to raised for us to find harm's way in Downers Grove?

My brother was trying to explain his new snow-throwing technique for our driveway over IM, but I wasn't getting it - so he drew, scanned, and emailed the following diagram to me. This made think a few things: How old are we? I love the internet. And, I can better appreciate this piece of art because I know what a struggle it is to deal with that much snow in 15 degree weather :)

The Drunkternet - What do you do?

- I'm not really a drunk dialer anymore. I'm much more of a drunk do-shit-on-the-interneter. I drunk facebook a lot, drunk check email. But I've noticed what I do most while drunk is buy music on iTunes at like 4 am. It's like I'm too cheap to part with the 99 cents when I'm sober, but when I'm shitfaced...watch out, because those inhibitions go right out the window. I wonder what other internet stuff people do when they're drunk. Apparently a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless), gets drunk and sends fake evites. See image.
Do you do anything drunk on the internet, barring any obvious porn jokes?

- Is it terrible that I REALLY like that Miley Cyrus song? See You Again, or whatever it's called? It's in my head all the time, even when I wake up. Right now, too. I bet I buy it on iTunes the next time I'm drunk.

- What's the upper age limit for shopping at Forever 21? I know the store uses its name as aspirational marketing, sort of how Seventeen Magazine is actually meant for 14-year-olds (all the cool 17-year-olds should have already moved on to reading Cosmo); but when are you too old to shop there? I think maybe what I take issue with is this:
If 21 is the aspirational age, that means there are 16-year-olds shopping there. I shopped there when I was 16, I think. Shouldn't I be dressing a little differently from when I was 16?
It's also just too damn loud in there. I got a call while I was there the other day, and had to run outside to answer it (mostly because I was embarrassed to admit I was at Forever 21). Uddsh uddsh uddsh.
How sad is it that 21 is the last aspirational age for girls? I'm going to start a magazine called Thirty for hip 25-year-olds. I'm pretty sure it won't be a hit. :)

- My friend just told me that he met a girl at a leap year party last week, who knew someone who took some sort of labor-inducing drug, causing her to give birth one day early to avoid having a baby on the 29th. That just seems silly. It can't be THAT much of a burden on one's life to be born on February 29th. The only time it might be a little weird is on the kid's 21st birthday. Would bars let him in on the 28th, or does he have to wait until the 1st? I can just picture some kid planning a big 21st birthday party on February 28th, and then not being let in to the bar. "Well guys, looks like it'll be Natural Light again tonight."

- Last night, I was having a drink with some girlfriends before dinner at a restaurant bar, and this group of very nice boys kept coming up and hitting on us. I thought they couldn't have been older than 16, but we later found out they were freshman at Northwestern. My favorite part of the exchange was pick-up line #1:
Binku #1: Hey, sorry to bother you guys, but my friend and I were wondering which shirt you like better. Mine or his?
Binku #2: You should notice that my shirt is actually Polo, and his is just American Eagle.
Me, to Binku #2: Why do you feel the need to be such a slave to brand identity?
Binku #1: Yeah! Brand identity!
Aarti: Laughing hysterically
I felt very uncomfortably old. And also like a hypocrite, because I'm actually a fan of brand loyalty. Crest, Coke, Apple, Tide, Sony TVs...these brands define me! Without them, I'm just toothpaste, soda, and laundry detergent.

PS: Can you tell I wrote this on a day I'm hungover? :)

I've been saving up a lot of thoughts...

And no one likes a Sona with thoughts in her head, so I'd better let them out.

- I love watching toddlers who just learned how to walk like 2 days ago walk around airports. Especially when they have giant diapers on. Actually, only when they have diapers on. Comfortable toddlers don’t interest me as much.

- It makes me sad when I spontaneously come up with really badass categories for the “category” part of the drinking game Kings (or Waterfalls, or whatever you choose to call it), but then realize I’m too old to ever play that game again. I came up with “Types of Apples” earlier today, which works really well, because it’s not only fruit, but computer models too…genius, right?! I would Never lose with that category. I’ll write it down and give it to the toddler for when he’s old enough.

- Used teabags are kinda gross.

- When I’m sick, it really doesn’t matter how weak and tired I am, I have this irresistible urge to crawl out of bed and buy unnecessary flu supplies at Walgreens. It’s like a disease. I won’t even want to take NyQuil but I NEED to have some at my bedside for moral support. And we could have boxes and boxes of tissues lying around the house, but I am DESPERATE for pocket packs. It’s like my brain doesn't think I’m giving myself a shot at getting better unless I spend an exorbitant amount of money on crap. And then when it’s all over, the whole thing feels like the morning after a night out, when I drunkenly insisted on picking up everyone’s bar tabs for no good reason.

- I just accidentally looked up “wikipedia” on Wikipedia. For a split second while the page loaded, I honestly thought my computer would explode.

- How are men so good at convincing women they don’t want a relationship? Do they teach that in shop, or something?

- I think we should institute some rules for types of news that can be broken to friends electronically. For example, you can’t announce death via text message. You also shouldn't express condolences via text message. You also probably shouldn’t do these things via Facebook. I think maybe breaking up with someone in those ways is unacceptable too…but what really differentiates that from an email saying “hey, let’s just be friends?” I’ll test it out and get back on this.

- Alternatively, I’m pretty sure that a ring no longer makes an engagement official. A Facebook status change does, though. The moment you link your names with eternal hypertext…that’s when it’s for real.

- I think I spend a fair amount of time in public places watching people, pondering how ridiculous they are. But I wonder how much of that time is spent in vain because they’re not actually ridiculous, and I’m just misinterpreting the situation. For example, it is currently thirteen degrees outside, and there’s a young woman at the airport wearing a tube top and cut-offs (and uggs), swooning all over her [much older] husband. She’s got no coat in sight, and none of the flights here
**Sorry, distracted by the little toddler who has decided to crawl instead. He clearly made a #2 in his diaper**
Anyway, none of the flights in this terminal are going anywhere tropical. So, I’m totally judging this skankbag, but then I notice that she’s also got a COLD blended beverage from Starbucks. Maybe she has some sort of medical condition where she’s just hot all the time. Or, maybe she made a bet with aforementioned Arm Candy about how little she could get away with wearing in this weather. Maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to judge people, especially not the scantily clad.
Wait, no. Arm Candy just came back from the gift shop with a Chicago sweatshirt for her because she’s cold. She’s just a skankbag.

Some thoughts.

So here's what I've been thinking about lately.

- The lady on my GPS device says "U-turn" like a dirty word. She says it kinda how a lot of other women say the word "panty." It's as if she doesn't want to say it at all, and I've offended the entire purpose of her existence because I made her say it. I don't mean to blatantly ignore her directions, forcing her to use that vile word...but sometimes I'd rather sing really loud loud to that Ingrid Michaelson "The Way I Am" song than listen to her. And Garrrrmin should take me the way I am.


- When I log into my B of A account online, there's this site key image that pops up for security. Every now and then they'll ask me to change my site key, and I have to pick an image and give it a name. I'm ALWAYS afraid that it's some kind of test and I'm naming it the wrong thing, and Mr. BofA Security guy is laughing at me through the monitor. "It's not just a CHEESE GRATER you fool," he'll say. "That's a multi-purpose box grater!" A while back they once showed me a wooden bowl, and I thought it was a fruit bowl..but then a month later I didn't remember naming it a fruit bowl and thought someone hacked into my account and changed it from "wooden bowl" to "fruit bowl." Mr. BofA Security guy probably got a big kick out of that one. I think what's more strange is that I still think there's an actual guy who stands there and reads all the site keys as part of his job...like it wouldn't be automated or something. Just like there's a guy whose job it is to screw caps onto tubes of toothpaste at the Crest factory. I'm pretty sure I revised history to eliminate the industrial revolution.

- Couple things about songs right now: I can't listen to any song that uses the expression "Laffy taffy." It just gets on my nerves. I hate that Jordin Sparks "Tattoo" song because it sounds like she has the hiccups through the whole thing in the background.

- FINALLY, after 10 years of shopping at Express, I took advantage of a coupon I got in the mail without spending more than I would have had I not used the coupon. I'll explain. Many of you may have received these in the mail - it''s $20 off your purchase of $60, or $10 off your purchase of $20. So you think, "oh great, I'll walk out of there spending $40," which is damn near impossible to do because of their pricing structure. Everything is either like $19.50, or $39.50, and with nothing less than $12.50 in the store, it's virtually impossible to leave the store without feeling duped.
WELL, when I was in MN, where there is no sales tax on clothes, and where I purchased jewelry when it was buy one, get one 1/2 off (and the more expensive piece was already discounted), I mangaged to total around a cool $60.54. Take $20 off that, and I spent $40.54 on a nice top and two pairs of earrings. Go me! Yes, I know I'm a guju.