Sona's Blog

Life has become very busy. This space is for me to share my experiences, ramblings and quirkiness with anyone who cares to read them. I'd love to hear your thoughts, especially if you're someone I used to talk to a lot but have lost touch with. Enjoy!

Monday, January 17, 2005

Bitter Cold

It's that time of winter - it just started last week. It's not just cold anymore. It's bitter cold. It's when the wind chill factor kicks in and is turnign 12 degrees into "feels like negative 4 degrees" (oh yes, that was the weather today). You know it's bad when it "feels like" a temperature different than what it is. The thing with bitter cold is that it's bitter. When you get out of the car, the cold like smacks you in the face. And then after you get smacked (it really feels like being smacked btw), you try to take a breath but it's so cold that it feels like you got the wind knocked out of you. And then your eyes start to tear up. It's bad, but almost invigorating. It's ok though, this cold only lasts a little while and it's a good way to get more exercise. I no longer walk briskly to my car, as I would were it just plain cold. I sprint.

I started reading the Bhagvad Gita last night, and in the preface, it said "Failures are not stumbling blocks, but stepping stones to success." So I guess I got my answer about that. But it feels like i'm stepping and stepping but not really getting anywhere. Sort of like a stairmaster. Perhaps why I took up running again.

I have sort of a stalker at the gym. She came up to me in the locker room a few weeks ago and (oldish indian woman) tried to pitch a business idea to me. She said she needed bright minds, etc, looking to make money. But i'd never met her before. Really, for all she knew, I coulda been a crackhead. I should have told her that I was one. She assumed that i was a "bright mind" because I'm Indian. My hair was curly that day, I shoulda tried to convince here I was a Mexican. I wonder if she would have continued to tell me I was a bright mind. Anyway, I felt really uncomfortable cuz i was trying to change, but she hit me up for my number. So i gave it to her to get her off my back. I mean I even told her that I was too busy and didn't need any extra money but she wouldnt take no. Anyway she called my house a week later, but i told her i had absolutely no interest and ended that.
WELL, today I saw her again as I was about to go into the locker room. But upon seeing her i got really scared so i stayed in the weight room a little longer. It's too bad that I get intimidated by oldish indian ladies that easily. But doesnt everyone?

More on change.

I realized earlier today that I think one key to lifelong happiness is a true understanding of the concept that things are constantly changing. People change, their opinions and attitudes change, your place in life changes. Everything is always changing. I think maybe one reason I go through dips (and probably a lot of people) is because I have a really hard time dealing with change. Actually, scratch that. Unless it involves a new outfit or salary bump, I dont like change very much.
I think it's because I'm usually passionate about things - I'm even passionate about being dispassionate...and because of that i get settled in my ways and I take a while to change with a change. By the time I get adjusted to a change, things change on me again. I'm going to try to be more accepting of change from now on cuz i think it'll make me happier.

I'm worlds better than I used to be though, that's for sure. Overall, I'm very very understanding of the idea that people change, and the idea that I change. In fact, i'm proud of the fact that I can change and recognize changes within me. But when other people change, I think my deep down initial reaction is fear. Fear that things will in turn change in a negative way for me. But soon enough, I get really excited about changes and less threatened by them. If only I could get rid of that initial punch of fear. That would be grand.

I think that a lot of people don't genuinely understand the dynamics of change. And instead of going with it, all these other emotions come up. Envy, insecurity, disappointment, hatred...feelings that inspire judgement and backtalk. It's a different, and in my opinion, more destructive way of coping with change. I used to be like that - but that's changing now, and nearly out of my system. It feels good to be more understanding about change - it makes my life feel more secure and able to deal with ups and downs. It also feels so Good to be happy for people instead of scared for yourself. Almost relaxing but more liberating. It feels good like sweating really hard after a really good hard run. I just wish I could be like that always. Hmph.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

I'm not a changer.

Lots of thoughts in my head, and now that Everyone is back in school as of tuesday, I guess blogging is in order again.
So Ive been thinking, i'm really disappointed in myself in some ways. I'm not a changer and I think i'm a bad leader. I just don't think I have it in me. I have "changer" ideas, lots of big great ideas...but I just dont have the sort of presence or influence to move people to want to change. I'm more of a doer. I have ideas, and I do/act on them, but for some reason, I'm just not one of those people.

I think that up til you graduate college too, you take for granted the countless opportunities you have to be a changer. You have so much time to give, and so many organizations showing you exactly how you can help, and if you want, lead others in helping. Then all of that stops. You become so consumed by your own life and it's different when you have to seek out places that want your help, rather than have them waiting there for you. And for me at least, I feel like ive failed so much in raising consciousness that I dont even know that I want to keep trying. Maybe that's another reason people embrace parenthoood - you know that every move you make is having a profound effect on someone.

The most disappointing part for me is that i had So many chances to do something. I got to be co-president of a club that could have done something. But i suck at mobilizing people i guess. And maybe cuz i feel like i once could have made an difference. In high school I think that i did, if even in a small way. It's kind of a let down.

I cant imagine how it'd feel to be like president and have all these agendas, and people expecting you to do something, but then realize that it's harder to change things that you thought. I might just be going through a phase. Whatever, either way I guess i should just be happy being a do-er. I want to just set my sights a little lower, and then be happy with success, but that feels like quitting to me. It's not a challenge that way. I cant tell which is better - to fail at a challenge, or succeed with something a little easier. Theoretically, I think the higher ground is to fail at a challenge, but when youre talking about working for social benefit, wouldn't it be better to succeed at something smaller, because at least that way youre at least contributing a little to a cause?
what do you think?
Hmph. anyway agenda for today: same old :) cooking, solicit people for kidneys, make a kidney website, work on business stuff. at least i'm making baby steps towards improving things at home.