Overwhelmed and blubbering

A week has passed. Time is going so fast, and I cant say that I'm disappointed about that. If I could just fast forward through the next two months, I would [insert plug for sony's upcoming movie starring Adam Sandler, Click]. (it's a good thing I still have my sense of humor).

I can't tell you how overwhelmed I am by the love and support the community is showering my family with. Not just the Gujrati community, but neighbors, friends, family, business relationships. Over 300 people came to the wake! I am humbled by how many friends my dad had and how many people loved him. The thing with 300 people showing up, is that my dad touched almost every single one of them in a very profound way. Half of them wouldnt have been friends without him connecting them, and they all recognize that and appreciate him for it. Dozens of businesses wouldnt have had survived without either his help or aggressive promotions behavior in the ones he believed in. That was the thing about my dad - he believed in people and they knew it. He genuinely believed in them. He's owned the printing business for 25 years, and every single employee that is still alive either came to see us or called. Where else will you see that?

I don't know what I believe in, but it's incredible how in times of need the people you didnt know you needed most come out of the woodwork to be there for you. That's what I've learned from all this and from my dad. Always have faith that everything will be ok. Always have a pure heart and pure intentions with people and they will feel it from you and return your love. Always respect people, and they will respect you without your demanding it.

Seriously if you've been in our house lately, the stories about him are NON-STOP. And no one can believe he's not here anymore. I don't even believe he's not here anymore. I was running in the neighborhood around 6 pm the other day, and I kept expecting my dad to be driving home from work and stop next to me and say, "Hey baby, need a ride?" Or every time I make tea, my instinct is to run upstairs and wake him up from his nap and say "daddy, cha thai gai!!"

Sanj and I cleaned out his closet yesterday and I had to bury my face in his clothes just to hold on to his smell. And when we watch old videos from growing up, I listen to his voice extra carefully just so I can always hear it in my head.

Thank you all for your kind wishes and words. Even if I haven't had the chance to personally thank you yet, I really do mean it from the bottom of my heart.

breathing deep

So it's over. The wake was yesterday and cremation today. It was a blur and I knew it would be. The next few days are going to be even harder - when all the family leaves and the continuous laughter stops and the three of us are left to grieve alone. And I'm out of tears. My heart is weeping and aching so deeply and I don't think there's a word for the emotions I'm experiencing and sensing right now. But I'm numb. I'm so numb from the last week, that I can't let my weeping heart sob externally anymore. So how will I get through this? And it's not a matter of being strong for myself or my family. I just want to get rid of the numbness to let my heart cry.

LA is safer than Downers Grove

For the first time in my years in Los Angeles, I'm terrified of going home. I actually feel safer in LA than DG..which...is ridiculous. Emotionally safer of course. Most of you know what's going on, and if not, I'm sure you can gather. The issues at home, with my dad, seem so far away from here...it's easier for me to be critical of him, and strong from here. I can always stay just a little bit emotionally removed here...I dont have to see him in a hospital bed, and I dont have to see all the work my mom has piling up, and I have this completely separate life I can dive into. Of course, it's always on my mind, but it's different. As soon as I get there, I'm in it. There is no emotional distance. This time feels different than the others - it feels worse and more serious. I hope I can be strong. No one in my family ever expects me to be strong because I've always been the baby. This time, I expect myself to be and I'm not sure I can. Blah.